What happened to August!!

           School is now in session! For me that means setting the alarm and hitting snooze at least twice before starting the day. Never mind that the alarm is clear across the room and I have to get out of bed to hit the snooze, walk clear across the room to get back in bed and that explains why the alarm is clear across the room. I would normally just shut it off, or shove it under the bed and go back to sleep only to oversleep.

            The kid defined her first day of school with “It rocked” so I assume it went well. And she is finally in the grade where they are allowed to join band (oh yay) and she would just love to play the drums “Please, please, PLEASE can I? Oy! She originally wanted dance lessons until she found out that ballerinas actually stand on their toes. Drums (really?) We live in less than 1000 square feet of space and I just don’t know where a drum set would fit, let alone my supply of ear plugs.

            It seems I have been very busy, doing something, because August flew by. I did get to go to TN and had a wonderful time. I loved the area we were at and came home ready to pack up and move there. The thought of leaving NY winters behind is a glorious one. I added it to my list of goals along with getting my degree, finishing a wedding gift I was crazy enough to start (but it will be beautiful) cleaning out two overly stuffed closets, convincing my 96 caravan to last one more winter, getting rid of the extra 25 pound I carry around (though with the cooler weather I yearn to bake) getting strings on my guitar (I bought some cheap ones two broke so I will be buying better ones) and doing what my new Dr. suggests I do.

            My new Dr. is wonderful because he believes that FMS is real (no kidding, it took me years to find him) I am taking my meds, except the pain killers unless I am in so much pain I want to kill. I just don’t like the “may be addictive” warning they come with. I am also totally up for walking 15 minutes a day (yeah, I know how hard can that be right? Well it’s not easy) and eating a high fiber diet (that does not include ice cream or any other chocolate food items I crave) the walking has been on hold for that last week due to rain in massive amounts. I would like to say I am feeling great, I even tell myself “Hey you feel great” to which I answer “Hey you, F*&#@ off, I do not feel great.” It is a process to feel great and one day I hope to be there. For now I will settle with feeling good enough to get up and get dressed before I feel exhausted. I go back for my follow up appointment soon with y wonderful new Dr and need to discuss work. I have to do something to generate an income. I now have some help from the kids father but I need a real job preferably something I can do from home. Like keeping the books for the kids dads business (sounds like a plan, and is now on my list of goals) this I could do at home during hours best suited to me (2am??)

            I am starting to think of the holidays (LOVE the holiday atmosphere) and have decided to start early this year (before my usual Decemer rush). I have some ideas on what the grandchildren will be getting (I should have four of them by Christmas, unless my daughters little girl decides to wait until after her 12-25 estimated arrival date) I love to receive handmade gifts and so I will be making several to give as gifts this year. (Idea’s and pictures to come soon)

            And I will also be baking up a storm like I do every year although it was so much more fun when the kids were all at home. More to come on the baking at a later date. But  thiswas magically delicious and the recipe can be found here

The Mall................

            So the ex and I took the kid school clothes shopping. I am still suffering from sticker shock. Either prices have gone way up on clothes or I just haven’t been paying attention! It takes less material to make her size clothing, so why is it that it costs as much as mine? Anyway..

            It was weird. I haven’t been anywhere with the ex in well years, we were too busy fighting then he was out of town until they let him out. I kept looking at him and saying “This is weird” “Isn’t this weird”? “Really, this is so weird”. He even bought me a coffee no doubt to occupy my mouth so I wouldn’t keep repeating myself!

            What really strikes me weird is that I feel no anger or resentment towards him and actually enjoyed myself for the most part except it was weird. When we got back I offered him a cup of coffee and he sat and visited and watched the kid add a pet she had bought (with money that was burning a hole in her nonexistent pocket) to her Wekinz collection. And that was also weird. The whole day was weird, yet I know him better than anyone so it shouldn’t have been so weird or should it have been?

            Today was spent getting the things needed for the kids birthday party tomorrow and not much else. Time somehow got away from me and then my body decided to hurt so bad I can barely walk without pain. Must have been the three hours spent walking the mall store to bloody store. Did I mention I am not a fan of the mall and that the whole excursion was weird, really weird?

Nine Years!

            It’s amazing how fast time goes by. Tomorrow it will be nine years since the kid decided to join us. Even more amazing is the fact that we are both here to celebrate it! Five weeks before her due date I hemorrhaged due to placenta abruption. My memory of that night nine years ago is fuzzy. I think it is my minds way of protecting me from such a scary experience.

            I remember waking up to use the bathroom (sure do pee a lot when you are pregnant) and then I sat down on the bed and thought my water broke. I told my husband to turn on the light I was sure my water had broken. What a horrifying sight it was when he turned on the light and there was blood everywhere. I know he called the ambulance and the hospital and vaguely remember trying to get something to catch all of the blood. And I remember the look of sheer terror on my sisters face when he called her to come over and let the older kids know where we were.

            I truly believe that someone or something was on our side that night (except the police when we were doing ninety miles an hour down Main Street). My husband decided the ambulance was taking too long and took me himself. I remember getting to the ER entrance and my husband picking a man right up out of a wheelchair (he was a patient that was outside smoking and there just happened to be an EMT standing with him). I then remember bang, bang, bang, and doors opening and closing. I later learned it had been the EMT running and hitting the button to open the doors all the way to maternity while my husband ran pushing me in the chair.

            So on August 23^rd 2002 at 2am there just happened to be my Dr., a full nurse staff, anesthesiologist and our pediatrician on duty. We later learned it was because our neighbor’s daughter was having an emergency c-section. And that is the reason we are both here today. I have memory of them not finding the baby’s heartbeat and my husband crying, I was vomiting and everyone was running around and talking at the same time. The moment is very clear in my memory when the Dr and my husband looked at each other and said placenta abruption at the same time (my husband had read what to expect when you’re expecting). Next thing I remember is being wheeled into the OR for emergency surgery arguing with the DR about signing some paper (he later had my husband sign it) The anesthesiologist was cleaning my hair up some (I had vomited over and over by this time) and they were prepping me for surgery. I remember feeling terrified as I saw the scalpel.

My next memory is waking up and asking for my son (I am still confused as to why I asked for him). I was able to see the kid for about five minutes before she was rushed off to a larger hospital with neonatal unit. I later learned that I had lost almost six pints of blood, and that she didn’t even register an Apgar score when they got her out. She was not breathing and there was barely a heartbeat. The pediatrician got her breathing and her heart rate started to rise.

It is so hard to go through an experience like that and then to have them take your baby to a hospital many miles away is a nightmare. I planned my escape from the hospital (for real) and got so mad at my husband when he wouldn’t help me escape. I finally was able to go see her after only four (I think it was four) days in the hospital. The DR discharged me (not very willingly) and off I went so doped up on medication to prevent infection and kill the pain that the week she was in the hospital is a blur. I really believe I suffered from PTSD afterwards. I would wake up at night and get out of bed and swear I saw all that blood all throughout the house. But it had been cleaned while I was in the hospital and I knew it wasn’t there but I still saw it as real as day.

So we are both here today thanks to a fast acting husband and father, a wonderful staff, our neighbors daughter for needing an emergency c-section and whoever or whatever was watching over us that night. I was the second patient my OB (who specialized in high risk) had seen go through placenta abruption. The mom had lived the baby had not.

So happy ninth birthday to the most adorable, loved, wonderful little girl, who is truly not only a miracle but to us she is simply amazing!

Vacation is over......





             Wow, have things been busy! We had a great trip to Tennessee and back. We did get lost once and the construction leaves a lot to be desired. Then we came up on an accident and luckily were able to get off at the exit, with everyone else that had the same idea. It took us an hour to go 9 miles!! The days flew by and before we knew it we had to leave and make the trek back home.

            The day we left for vacation I saw a new Dr and he put me on some new meds and wants me on a high fiber diet and I am walking at least 15 minutes a day. He really listened to me and is one of the few around here that treat FMS. The trip has me feeling achy and sore but the meds are helping and making it bearable.

            The kid is with her dad L. She even wants to stay an extra night. All of a sudden I am not the fun one anymore. It’s kind of sad. I am so used to having her here with me and it is very weird having her gone. I’m not so sure I like it! She will be home the morning of her 9^th birthday. I can’t believe it has been 9 years. Time truly does go by fast.

It finally happened.....

           Today the phone rang and on the other end was a voice I hadn’t heard in over two, almost three, years but knew so well. The ex. He wanted to talk to the kid and wants to see her. She was excited to talk to him and I have decided to let him come see her. I dread the visit; she is over the moon with excitement. I will see him tomorrow and I am feeling dread, curiosity and just plain not wanting to deal with any of this. I have all one thousand and one (or two) questions ready to fire.

            I have also come to the conclusion that although I love my family I just plain live too close to them..way to close, like only a few places away too close to some. I am ready for a  move, so ready, but the timing of my being ready and being able to do it just don’t make an equation.

            Speaking of equations, I am still struggling with algebra and after this course get to move on to the more enjoyable (I am dripping with sarcasm at this point) college algebra. That is if I make it through this course.

            I also see my new Dr this week(Dr number 1892) and right after that visit will be off for a much needed vacation, algebra in tow. I just can’t escape algebra. I dream algebra. Anyway I hope to get some great pictures and have some much needed alone time with the Mac.

I don't like spiders and snakes...

                I have had a summer of ants determined to torture me with their mere existence so my sweet man sprayed all around the place and inside to help eliminate the things. It also has cut down on the number of spiders but once in a while one gets in and crawls to a spot where it knows I will eventually see it and freak. I hate spiders, and they know it.

            Soooo needless to say I go to get in bed a few nights ago and there it was right above my bed. I was on the phone with Mac and was doing my usual freak (“Oh my God there is a mini, mini tarantula on my ceiling right above my bed”). I hurry get a piece of toilet paper and squash it and then I notice the BIG (slight exaggeration) one on the wall across the room. (“Oh my God a mini tarantula”) This one required a chair to reach and I so carefully place the chair (as not to disturb the mini tarantula) slowly climb up to squash it (Mac is still on the line with me) and it runs UGH! The thing is now lose in my room. I search to no avail and finally relent to sharing my room with the monster for the night.

            Now I wonder if sucking them up in the vacuum kills them? I asked Mac this, ready to get out the vacuum and suck up anything that moves (excluding pet and kid) but he doesn’t know. I figure with my luck anything I suck up would be saying “Go ahead asshole I’m just going to crawl back out”. Seriously…

Counting the days down

Ahhhh a nice cool day is ahead. Well mid 70’s, but to me that’s the perfect temperature! And we do need the rain we are supposed to get. I am glad now that I got the apples (finally) out of the yard, took down the kids broken tent (destroyed by a BIG wind last week) and emptied out the pool yesterday. Today my body is screaming “stupid”!

            My last post was sure a downer, I should have seen the signs of a flare coming on (I never do maybe it is denial). It hit full force the next day and this week has been a tough one. Sometimes I think if I could just sleep, but for me sleep is a messed up night of waking up and waking up some more.

            Next week will be a busy one. Supposedly the kids dad will be home Monday. I haven’t heard from him to confirm this and I am praying he isn’t dumb enough to just show up on my door step. This has been stressing me out like crazy. I did send a letter telling him we would be out of town until around the 20^th.

            Speaking of out of town, Mac and I are getting away for six whole days together!! This is a first in the three years we have been together. We are rarely alone, I have the kid and he has well…. a houseful. So we are both looking forward to this time together. And he has an awesome camera I am excited about using. I am hoping I will be able to relax and rejuvenate some. This will be the first time I have had a vacation in seven years. I think it’s due! Now, what to pack?